Is Your Marriage Starting to Crack? There Is Still Hope

A happy marriage is every couple's dream. When the pastor asks at the altar, “Do you promise that only death will part you?” neither bride nor groom asks for time to think first. They answer “yes” with full confidence.   

Yet after sailing the ship of marriage for some time, that answer begins to waver. The days turn gray, without laughter, affection, or warm conversation between husband and wife. Each night feels lonely, sleeping back to back, with no more tender caresses. It becomes hard to speak heart to heart. It feels as though your spouse is growing more distant and untouchable.

In that loneliness, the question arises: is separation the best solution? Is it possible to mend a fractured relationship, and how?

That Hope Exists: Holding On in Marriage

During dating, when you are intoxicated with love, the world feels beautiful. The one you adore seems perfect, their weaknesses almost invisible. They seem so ideal to be a life partner. Whatever obstacle stands in the way will be charged through, whether mountain or sea. 

After marriage, many people wonder, where did those fluttering feelings go? Why does life feel bland, even agonizing? A wife can laugh all day at home with the children. But when her husband comes home, instead of growing more cheerful, the atmosphere in the house becomes tense. They speak only when necessary, and even then only about daily facts. Both of them have forgotten the last time they talked about their feelings with each other. 

They are still husband and wife, living under the same roof, but their hearts no longer greet each other. They stay together not because of love, but because of other considerations. They want a divorce, but feel ashamed before family, afraid of sinning against God, afraid of losing custody of the children, and so on. Yet imagining days like this continuing for years ahead makes you want to give up. Like grass growing on a rock, reluctant to live, yet unwilling to die.

The good news is, there is still hope for couples struggling in a situation like this. 

Ask Yourself First

Many people ask, did I choose the right spouse? But not many ask, have I become a good spouse? If your marriage is on the verge of breaking apart, throw this decisive question at yourself first. Out of so many people, your husband / wife chose you; surely because he or she believed you would be a good life partner.

Humor says that when a couple is about to marry, the woman hopes the man will change, while the man hopes the woman will not change. Sadly, after marriage, both men and women end up equally disappointed by their expectations. 

Tips for Guarding Your Marriage

Revive Good Habits

Wives, do you remember the sweet attitudes you had while dating? Being a good listener, being attentive, offering support when needed, these are the things that made your husband feel at ease. After getting married and having children, do you still do them? Husbands, do you remember the romantic side of yourself that made your spouse fall in love? After starting a family, do you still act gently and respectfully?

Return to those good habits that have been forgotten. Listen attentively when your spouse speaks. Give input when asked. Praise the good things your spouse does, instead of always criticizing their shortcomings. Show admiration and give support with positive words. And, do not neglect self-care so that you still look attractive in your spouse's eyes.

Even though your situation is now different because of children and added responsibilities, that is not a reason to neglect your spouse. After God, a husband is a wife's priority, and a wife is a husband's priority, not the children, much less endless work. Give your time and attention to your spouse. Tell them that you are trying to become a better wife / husband for them.

By accepting your spouse's condition and acknowledging their shortcomings, a wife will reduce her demands on her husband, and likewise the other way around. No longer questioning whether he or she has become a good spouse, but first correcting yourself instead. Through your humility, surely God will also work to change your spouse's heart. 

In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that if any of them do not obey the word, they may be won without words by the conduct of their wives. – 1 Petrus 3:1

Work Together with Your Spouse

When the tension eases because one party is doing their part well, the path toward restoring the relationship will open. The next step is to do things that can bring your love back to life for both of you. 

The surging romance of the dating days will indeed never return. Do not expect to remain in that phase forever. The fire of love you need does not have to blaze like a wildfire that burns down a forest. Like a small fire in the hearth, a love that keeps burning and warming the whole house is enough for you.

The fire in the hearth will go out if it is left alone. Yet it can keep burning, as long as you diligently clean the hearth, add wood, pour in oil, and tend the flame. A fire will not automatically keep burning forever; you must add firewood and occasionally shift the pile so that the blaze does not die out.

In the same way, you and your husband need to do things that build and grow love. Good communication, intentional / scheduled togetherness, resolving conflict with a vulnerable attitude, these are what will light the fire in the hearth of your love. Make a new agreement with your spouse regarding these things, and try to help each other do them so that your hope may become reality.

Carry one another's burdens. In this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. – Galatia 6:2

Marriage, a Means Toward a Better Life

When he was created, Adam did not ask God to give him a wife. God Himself took the initiative to give Eve to him. In God's view, that would make Adam a better human being. In other words, the condition of someone who is married should be better than when still single.

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” – Kejadian 2:18

By living it together, a person's life becomes better. You become more joyful, more patient, more mature, more orderly, and of course more eager to live. Why? Because you have someone to love, to share life with, and to complement and strengthen one another. 

God designed marriage for human beings so that their lives would be better. If after marriage your life becomes worse, then something in your marriage needs to be repaired. Start by putting yourself in order, then work together with your spouse to revive the fire in the hearth of your love. Enjoy the marriage God has designed. Amen. 

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