Where Has That Tender Attention Gone?

During courtship, these caring phrases often come up. “Hi, how are you? Where are you? What are you doing? Have you eaten yet?”

Such interested questions usually make the person being asked feel like they are floating on air, in other words, flattered. No wonder many people are drawn to the one they adore for this reason: “They’re so attentive. So sweet, really.”

Sadly, men who ask how you are as routinely as taking medicine (three times a day) or even more often, often turn into indifferent husbands later on. After marriage, the wife ends up stranded in loneliness, longing for those sweet questions she can no longer remember the last time her husband said. The same can happen the other way around; some husbands wonder where the woman went who used to care for them so deeply.

Why does the special attention we give our spouse fade after marriage? How should we respond to it?

Attention: Who Doesn’t Like It?

You may have heard the anecdote about a man and a woman eating together at a restaurant.

If this couple eats slowly while chatting, then occasionally looks at each other and smiles, it is almost certain they are dating. But if both of them eat heartily, focused on their own plates until they barely speak to each other, chances are they are husband and wife.

Many people lose their romantic side after years of marriage. Romantic here refers to genuine kindness, gentleness, and affection toward one’s spouse. They eat together merely to fill their stomachs, not because they want to enjoy the meal and the atmosphere with their spouse.

Not infrequently, people start to feel awkward about showing small acts of care like they did while dating. “Ah, we’re old now, that season is over,” some might say.

Even though he was not married, the Apostle Paul had a wise view of the relationship between husband and wife. According to him, those who are married should strive to please their spouse.

“A married man is concerned with worldly matters, how he can please his wife.” – 1 Corinthians 7:33

Not only husbands, wives also need to strive to do the things their husbands like.

“But a married woman is concerned with worldly matters, how she can please her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:34b

So it is clear that attentiveness does not belong only to people who are dating. In fact, husbands and wives are the ones who need to please their spouse even more. And who does not enjoy receiving special attention from their spouse?

Does Love (Not) Need to Be Spoken?

When asked why attention toward a spouse is neglected, some people dodge the question by saying, “Love does not need to be spoken. Just prove it through actions.”

Others argue, “I already work hard to provide for my wife and children. So my wife should know that I love her.”

Some even hide behind this verse: “My children, let us love not with words or speech, but with actions and in truth.” – 1 John 3:18

The Word of God is not wrong. However, that does not mean we do not need to say or express our love to others, especially to our spouse. Even Jesus, who gave the greatest proof of love, namely His sacrifice on the cross, still said that He loves His people (John 15:9). Even from Old Testament times, God did not hesitate to say, “I love you” (Isaiah 43:4).

If even the phrase “I love you” is considered unnecessary, then expressing deeper feelings to a spouse is surely even harder to do. Yet words of love are the most basic form of attention in marriage.

Barriers to Expressing Love

Busyness and routine often trap married couples in stiff, bare-minimum communication. The husband works all day, gets stuck in traffic on the way home, and by the time he arrives home he is already exhausted. He no longer has the energy to play with the children or talk with his wife.

On the other hand, the wife is stressed from taking care of the house and children every day. When the wife wants to talk, the husband has already drifted off into dreamland. Not wanting to add to her husband’s burden, many wives choose to stay silent and bury their disappointment. Something similar happens with couples who both work. Everyone is busy, so that tender attention from the dating days disappears without a trace.

Feelings of being neglected that are left unresolved will make hearts grow farther apart. As a result, it becomes hard for us to start a conversation with our spouse. It is very easy to ask how other people are doing or how they feel, but when it comes to our spouse, the tongue suddenly feels mute.

If things have reached this point, what should be done?

How can tender attention be brought back to life?

It is never too late to show attention to your spouse. As long as there is humility to change, your marriage can become more joyful.

The following tips may help you:

1. Ask Your Spouse

“But I’ve already been attentive enough and done many things to please them.”

Instead of making all kinds of assumptions, it is better to ask your spouse directly. Have your actions all this time made them feel cared for?

When they speak, listen and accept their feelings. Not to argue about them, but so that you can learn to see from your spouse’s perspective.

2. Learn Their Love Language

It may be that what we think our spouse longs for is not what they actually hope for. Perhaps all of it is only our guess, even a reflection of what we ourselves want.

Perhaps you faithfully buy your wife’s or husband’s favorite food, thinking that will make them happy (because you are happy when someone brings you food). In reality, what they really want is quality time with you. Simply sitting and talking together may be what makes them happy.

Find out what your spouse’s love language is. Do they enjoy going to the movies together once in a while? Being hugged when troubled? Being helped in tidying up the kitchen? Perhaps they would rather hear your words of comfort than be frequently bought clothes.

3. Confirm It and Do It!

Ask your spouse to tell you two concrete actions that make them feel cared for. Just two actions, so that you are not overwhelmed. Even if at first you may feel reluctant or awkward, for the sake of your spouse, you will surely be willing to do them.

For example, if your spouse asks you to call during every break time, then even if you are busy, set aside time for it. Or, for those of you who work at home, your spouse may want you to hug them when they come home from the office, rather than serve them food or busy yourself taking care of this and that.

Of course, it will be even better if both parties apply the steps above. You can also tell your spouse what kind of attention you hope to receive from them.

4. Give Small Surprises

Surprises are not always about giving expensive gifts. Small acts of attention can also become special surprises.

Send a loving message to your husband or wife, wash the dishes or sweep the house without being asked, offer to accompany them to shop at the market, or invite them to eat at their favorite meatball stall can also be a surprise that is sweet for your spouse.

There are many simple things you can do to show attention to the one you love. You will be surprised at how something that seems simple can actually make your spouse feel loved and appreciated, and even refresh your marriage relationship. May the tips above help you, and happy celebrating the maturity of your love together!

* Church GKDI is currently present in 35 cities. We have Bible Study activities in every area. If you need information or would like to get involved, contact us at contact Church GKDI Official: WhatsApp 0821 2285 8686 or Facebook / Instagram GKDI Official

Related articles: True Story of a Love Fighter: Love Is an Act of Will, Not a Feeling

Inspirational video: