Let There Be No "Assumptions" Between Us

Living with a mind filled with assumptions is usually exhausting. Something we assume is still only a guess that may not be true, yet we have already thought too far ahead. One-sided assumptions can also affect our attitude and actions toward someone. 

Assuming things about other people is already exhausting, especially about your spouse, whom you see every day. Negative assumptions about your spouse will build a wall in a person's heart. It makes them feel they know better, even judge their spouse, so that it not infrequently ends in marital conflict. This article focuses on the perspective of a wife, but the points can also be applied by husbands who may often, without realizing it, make assumptions about their wives.

Why is making assumptions not good, and what kinds of assumptions should we avoid in marriage?

The Danger of Assumptions

That night we held a devotional session, or family quiet time. It was a brief time together, only 20 minutes, including watching a film for ten minutes. While my husband downloaded a film that matched the topic of the Word of God he was going to share, I took out my laptop, intending to work on something after the session. But I wondered, why was my laptop backpack open?  

I reached into the backpack, and sure enough: mouse wasn't there. I glanced at my husband's laptop and found my mouse connected to it. His mousemust be missing again, I complained. Oh dear, my husband really is forgetful. He doesn't take good care of things. Just bought it, and shortly after it's already broken or lost...

That inner grumbling stopped when I found my mouse in another pocket of the backpack. If I had not found it, I definitely would have kept thinking negatively. Even though there were still other possibilities. Left behind at the office, for example. Everything would have been clearer if only I had asked my husband instead of being suspicious.

Assumptions make me feel as though I know more about my spouse. I also feel more capable of taking care of things. As a result, I judge my husband and bring up his weaknesses. Assumptions do not show that I am better, but instead reveal my own bad side.

There is a way that seems right, but in the end it leads to death. – Proverbs 16:25

Remember, You and Your Spouse Are One

Several times, when we were about to leave for the office, our motorcycle or car keys went missing, meaning no one knew where they were. Sometimes I responded by grumbling, "You're always like this. That's why you should put things in their place." Or I did not grumble, but my sharp stare and sullen face only made my husband forget even more where he had put his keys.

Actually, I had a better choice of attitude. Rather than putting on an annoyed expression, I could help my husband think about where he might have put the keys. Better yet, I could help look for them. 

Having a forgetful spouse means God has assigned me to help him. God did not appoint me as judge over my husband. So I have no right to judge him, whether in my thoughts, much less in my actions.

She does him good, not harm, all the days of her life. – Proverbs 31:12

On another day, the uproar over missing keys happened again. This time, holding on to the verse above, I tried to give a different response. "Try looking in the pants pocket you wore when you went to the shop earlier, maybe it's there," I said gently. And, just as expected, the key was sitting sweetly in the laundry basket. 

View Your Spouse as Yourself

Seeing your spouse the way you see yourself will help you be more tolerant. Your husband is not perfect, just as you are not perfect. Give him room to make mistakes. Forgetting where he put something should not always become a problem, but rather an opportunity to practice patience and show your acceptance. 

I myself am not free from forgetfulness. In fact, I once looked everywhere for my glasses, which were clearly hooked behind my ear, resting on my forehead. But my husband did not complain or criticize. Smiling, he said, "It's okay, dear. So later, if I forget, don't get angry, okay." Ouch. I felt embarrassed. 

Remember, husband and wife have been united in marriage. That means a husband's weakness also becomes the wife's weakness, and a wife's weakness also becomes the husband's weakness. Therefore, do not hate or belittle your spouse, but help them with love.

For no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for it, just as Christ does the church. – Ephesians 5:29

Instead of being reactive, choose to be proactive. Anticipate so that the same problem does not happen again. For example, as a solution to the key issue, I put a hook near the front door. Once he arrived home and parked the vehicle, my husband remembered to put the keys directly on the hook. 

When your spouse repeatedly forgets something, remind them in a good way. If you are consistent in reminding them, little by little it will become a habit for your spouse.

One, but Not the Same

Even though they have been united in marriage, husband and wife are still not the same. God created men and women differently, not only physically, but also in the way they think. Most women tend to rely on feelings, and conversely, most men prioritize logic. Women are generally more easily worried or panicked, while men are calmer in facing problems. 

It should be remembered that the gender tendencies above are not fixed measures. Not all women and men are like this. There are wives who are always calm, while their husbands are easily anxious or upset. Other wives are indifferent, while their husbands are neat in arranging things. There are also wives who are logical, while their husbands are more emotional. The point is, you and your spouse have different personalities, something you should actually be grateful for.

For example, your child falls off a bicycle and their leg is bleeding. You panic, your husband also panics; the problem may become even more chaotic. So be thankful that you and your spouse are different. When the wife panics, the husband calms her down. When the husband is too indifferent, the wife reminds him to be more alert or anticipatory. 

Here are two common assumptions that have the potential to trigger conflict in the household: 

1. "He Should Remember"

Perhaps not many husbands remember special moments such as the day you became a couple, wedding anniversaries, or even their wives' birthdays. Indeed, it is not wrong for you to hope for a surprise from your husband. However, be prepared to be disappointed when it turns out he is completely calm on the big day.

Rather than taking the risk of getting hurt, it is better to remind your husband about the special moment and tell him your expectations. Express that you want to go out just the two of you, or that you want a certain gift. Do not burden your husband with picking up on the hints you are giving. Most likely he will not be able to read your "obvious code." Instead, he will be surprised to find you in tears, then innocently ask, "What's wrong?"

2. "He Should Understand"

Some husbands may care less about the aesthetic side of the home than their wives do. They are not skilled at putting shoes on the rack or often forget to cover food with a food cover. They also do not hesitate to put the spoon they used to stir coffee on top of the sink you have just cleaned until it is sparkling. For husbands, what matters is that the goal is achieved: the spoon is in the sink area, the shoes are "around the designated area." 

And the wife's assumption? Her husband should understand that she has just finished washing a pile of dirty dishes, so what is wrong with helping wash one tablespoon? The wife has worked hard ironing a basket of clothes, but why is the husband not careful when taking a shirt from the wardrobe, causing the pile of clothes to tilt or collapse as if hit by a storm?

Rather than getting angry because your husband does not pay attention to detailed things, it is better to tell him how to do it. You can also offer to get the clothes or item your husband wants from the place you hope will stay neat. Besides being more romantic, your clothes and your husband's clothes will also be safe from the threat of becoming messy. 

Rather than growing tired from making assumptions about something, it is better to ask your spouse directly. Express your expectations well, or discuss things to find a solution. Even though you are different, you and your spouse are one. Do not let assumptions damage your marriage. The Lord Jesus bless you.

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