2 Effective Steps to Be a Good Helper for Your Husband

A good wife is a gift to her husband. With her presence, her husband’s life becomes better. A wife like this fulfills God’s calling, namely to be a helper who is fitting for her husband. A helper here means giving help to someone who truly needs it.

There are times when a wife feels she has already been a helper, but on the other hand, her husband does not feel helped. This, of course, brings disappointment to both sides; the wife feels unappreciated, and the husband feels misunderstood. This may be because of a misunderstanding between the two.

To avoid this kind of situation, let us understand more deeply: what does it mean to be a good helper for your husband, and what steps are effective in fulfilling that role?

A Good Helper Gives the Right Help

There was once a wife who was always busy all day long. She washed, cooked, cleaned the floors, sewed clothes, and took care of many other household tasks. Her house was clean, with hardly any dust sticking anywhere. The clothes were neatly ironed, and all the furniture was tidy, orderly, and shining. She always went to bed the latest and woke up the earliest to make sure all the housework was finished every day.

Sadly, despite doing her best for her family, this wife felt unappreciated by her husband for all her hard work. Her heart was empty and far from happy. When alone at home, she often cried because she felt lonely and that no one cared about her.

On the other hand, her husband actually felt neglected. He was not interested in clean floors and gleaming pans. What he needed was a wife by his side to talk things through or simply chat. But his wife preferred spending time with dish soap and a mop rather than sitting and relaxing beside him.

Not knowing her husband’s needs leaves a wife tired all by herself. How good it would be if this way of thinking were changed, so that what a wife does can become help that is right for her husband. The husband’s needs are met, and the wife also feels appreciated. As Paul said, do everything with intention and for a clear purpose.

Therefore I do not run without aim, and I am not a boxer who strikes aimlessly. – 1 Corinthians 9:26

Here are two things a wife can do to become a good helper for her husband:

1. Ask What He Needs, Do Not Guess

The plans in a person’s heart are like deep water, but one who has understanding knows how to draw them out. – Proverbs 20:5

Be a wife who is humble enough to learn and ask questions. Even though husband and wife are the closest people to one another, no one knows the deepest contents of another person’s heart without asking. Therefore, sit down together and talk heart to heart with your spouse. Be honest about each other’s feelings and expectations. 

Ask your husband what you can do to make him feel helped. By asking, at least you will know whether what you have been doing so far has been effective or not, so that you know what to do going forward. You can give your spouse the right help by listening directly to what he needs, not merely based on assumption.

2. Focus on Solutions, Not Arguments

When your husband shares his expectations, receive them. Do not immediately react by laying out all the facts. For example, “Oh dear, you know yourself that the children are very active at this age. The house is always messy, and my chance to tidy it up is only at night after they sleep. So you have to understand.”

Instead of defending yourself, ask your husband for suggestions on how you can help him fulfill those expectations. Perhaps by making a special schedule to clean the house together, so that you are not busy by yourself every day. 

Or, for example, your husband hopes that you would speak more gently. Do not immediately react, “How could I possibly be gentle? I have always spoken in a strong tone, but that does not mean I am angry.”

Accept your husband’s feelings and expectations, even if you feel that his words do not quite match what you feel. It may be that you are not fully (aware) of your habits, which are quite disturbing to your husband. Ask for his input on how you can become aware when your tone of voice starts to rise. Perhaps your husband can give you a special signal, and when that signal is given, it means you need to take a breath and lower your tone. 

If making time to sit and talk with your husband will make him feel loved, why should a wife focus excessively on keeping the house neat? If speaking gently makes your husband feel comfortable and more confident to lead, why should a wife shout or try to control?

A wife is a fitting helper for her husband. You are the best helper God has given to your spouse. Therefore, give your husband the help he hopes for and that matches his needs. Help that makes him a better person. Ask what he needs and do your best to fulfill what he hopes for.

The LORD God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper for him, one who is fit for him." – Genesis 2:18

May a wife’s presence make her husband’s life better. Amen.  

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