How to Effectively Speak the Truth in Love to Your Spouse

What do you do when you find your spouse doing something wrong? Some people may choose to stay silent for fear of hurting them or to avoid conflict. Others choose to say it and accept the risk of arguments or cold silence in the family.

As Christian spouses, we are not only expected to be brave enough to speak the truth to our spouse, but also to express it with love. Yet in practice, you need wise steps so that what you say can be received well. So, what do we need to apply when speaking the truth to our spouse?

Truth in Love: Nurturing Marriage

For me, speaking the truth to my spouse is not difficult. I dare to correct or advise my wife if there is something wrong in her words or actions. The reality is, not everything I say can simply be accepted by my wife. Or, she accepts it but reluctantly. That is what we experienced before I knew how to speak the truth in love.

More often, truth expressed without love makes your spouse angry and unwilling to accept it. Don’t arguments often happen when all you want to do is correct your spouse and give advice? When this happens, you will instead be seen as unfair and lacking empathy toward your spouse.

… but speaking the truth in love, we grow in all things toward Him, Christ, who is the Head. – Ephesians 4:15

The Lord wants us to speak the truth in love so that we may grow in all things, including in marriage. Here are some ideas you can combine to do that:

1. Say It at the Right Time

A word spoken at the right time is like apples of gold in settings of silver. – Proverbs 25:11

Know this, there are certain things your spouse does not want others to know when you bring them up, even in front of the children. There are also those who do not like being corrected while they are busy.

Speaking the truth with love must consider the right time. It is written in Proverbs that this attitude is as valuable as apples of gold in settings of silver. When does your spouse usually have a mood good one? At dinner time? Before going to sleep? Recognize the right time to speak the truth to them. If they do not like you correcting them in front of the children, respect their wish and talk in a quiet place. 

2. Discuss Only One Matter

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 

Bear with one another and forgive each other if any of you has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. – Colossians 3:12-13

Never bring up again your spouse’s mistakes that you have already forgiven. This habit of bringing up past wrongs, besides failing to honor God’s forgiveness, can also distract the focus of your conversation. 

Example: You say, “You have made this mistake three times already.” Then your spouse will defend themself by explaining again the first and second reasons that happened before. 

I once made this mistake, bringing up old stories when pointing out the repeated mistakes my wife had made. My wife then became defensive. As a result, what I wanted to say lost its focus because we ended up discussing other issues that should have already been settled. 

Do you often use this way when correcting your spouse? If so, remember this: the Lord has forgiven you and does not keep bringing up your sins. Instead of speaking the truth in love, repeatedly bringing up mistakes actually makes your spouse feel judged. Apply the principle of grace to your spouse. Focus on one matter, at that time only.

3. Use Words That Build Up

Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is good for building up where needed, so that it may give grace to those who hear. – Ephesians 4:29

Before speaking the truth, it is good to think first about your choice of words.

Examples of sentences you should avoid:

“You are a loser.”

“You will never be able to change.”

Use words that build up, such as praise and positive expressions. Why should you be stingy with praise if it makes your spouse feel loved? Why use demeaning words when you can encourage them to improve with words that are full of love?

4. Express It Gently

But be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:32

The heart of what you say will be easier for your spouse to understand if it is delivered gently. In the past, I was used to speaking to my wife with a raised tone. Instead of being received, my words often became the trigger for arguments. My wife also felt unloved. Now, I have learned to show love to my wife, and one way is through gentle speech.

How do you want to be treated by your spouse? Isn’t it with kindness and affection? If so, let it begin with you. Speak kind and affectionate words so that your spouse understands that you are speaking the truth because you love them.

Even though it is difficult, we must speak the truth to our spouse. However, the courage to speak the truth must also be accompanied by love. If you fail to do this, do not immediately lose heart. Ask for God’s help by praying and reading His word every day, and practice the steps above. Give it a try!

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