Silence Is Not Always Golden: When We Won't Resolve Conflict

Silence can be both good and bad. Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, there is a time to be silent and a time to speak. However, when we have a problem with someone else, should we remain silent? Is giving the silent treatment to someone who does something that does not meet our expectations the right thing to do? 

Often, even though we know that we need to speak in order to resolve conflict, we choose silence rather than expressing our thoughts or feelings ourselves. The question is, is silence a biblical solution for dealing with problems? What things usually make us choose silence, and what do the solutions look like?

Why We Stay Silent, and the Solution

1. To Punish Other People

Do you choose to give someone the silent treatment as a form of punishment because they were wrong or hurt your heart? Sometimes, this becomes my reason for giving other people the silent treatment. I want the person who hurt me to feel punished by refusing to speak to them for some time. 

The question is, is this the right attitude? Regardless of their wrongdoing, does God’s word allow us to punish other people, even if the form is “passive?” 

My beloved brothers and sisters, never take revenge yourselves, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: Vengeance is Mine. I am the one who will repay, says the Lord. – Romans 12:19  

Vengeance belongs to the Lord. So when we give someone the silent treatment because we want revenge or want to punish them, we have taken what belongs to God. After all, God is the one who has the right to repay, not us. 

So then, what should we do?

Speak the Truth in Love (Speak the Truth in Love) 

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow in every way into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ. – Ephesians 4:15 (AYT)

God does not teach us to punish other people, even if it is done in silence. He wants us to express what is in our hearts with love, whether it is sadness, disappointment, irritation, or any feeling that weighs on us. 

By staying silent, are you sure the person you are ignoring will realize and understand where they went wrong? Not necessarily. But by expressing it, they will surely understand what you feel, which part of their attitude or words has hurt you. In that way, both you and that person can continue to grow, just as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). 

Therefore now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. The Spirit, who gives life, has set you free in Christ from the law of sin and the law of death. – Romans 8:1-2

If God Himself does not condemn us, and even sets us free through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, what reason do you have to give someone the silent treatment as a form of punishment? Is another person’s sin against you greater than your sin against God?

2. To Avoid Conflict

Are you silent because you want to avoid conflict or do not want to make the problem worse? Perhaps in your heart you say, “Oh well, that’s just how they are. Let it be. What matters is that I forgive them.” But at the same time, you avoid a deeper friendship with that person. By acting this way, you are actually piling up an even bigger conflict for later. 

I once gave someone the silent treatment for months because I did not like what they said to me. In my view, this person was insensitive, too blunt, and liked to judge. Even though the intention was good, their words were sharp and stinging, so they often hurt my feelings.

One time, this person said something I could not accept. Maybe that is just their nature, I thought. As a result, I became reluctant to talk to them. And, since we went to the same church, I always hoped I would not run into them. 

But what could I do, one day this person suddenly appeared right in front of me. I felt as if I had seen a ghost and wished I had the power to disappear right then and there. I thought I could forgive them without having to resolve our problem, but it turned out I could not. 

Silence Creates New Conflict

Indeed, staying silent is sometimes easier. We worry that the problem will become more complicated or the situation will grow heated if it is discussed. Or, we do not know how to express what is on our hearts well. Our hearts are still burning, so it is better not to say anything. 

When this happens, taking time to be silent so that we can cool our heads is a wisechoice. However, do not remain silent forever. After you are more calm, look for a solution or ask for input from someone more mature, if necessary. After that, you may be able to see more clearly what the heart of the problem is. It may be that you are the one who needs to change. Or perhaps you become able to express what is in your heart well to the person involved. 

Speaking with love as the foundation is the best way to resolve a problem. By staying silent and refusing to talk about it, we are actually covering one problem with a new one. 

These are the things you must do: Speak the truth to one another and carry out true justice that brings peace in your gates. – Zechariah 8:16

3. Because It Is Hard to Express Feelings

I once read a quote that said:

Why complicate life? (Why make life complicated?)

Missing somebody? Call (Miss someone? Call)
Wanna meet up? Invite (Want to meet? Invite)
Have questions? Ask (Have questions? Ask)
Don’t like something? Say it (Don’t like something? Say it)
Like something? State it (Like something? Say it)
Want something? Ask for it (Want something? Ask for it)
Love someone? Tell it (Love someone? Say it)

We just have one life. Keep it simple. (We only live once. Keep it simple.)

I agree with the quote above, of course as long as we can express our feelings at the right time and in the right way, as in the point Speak the Truth in Love. Many arguments begin with dishonesty or unspoken expectations. 

Perhaps this happens because we were raised in a family environment or culture that is not used to expressing feelings openly. Even so, we still have to learn to express what we feel. Why is that? 

Silence Makes Other People Sin

Sudden silence can trigger other people to make assumptions or think negatively about us. 

I once received the silent treatment from someone else, and it made me think, “What wrong thing did I say?” When this person finally spoke again, they admitted they were going through many struggles and that their relationship with God was also not in a good place. This affected their life so that they were reluctant to respond well to other people too.

Be honest with yourself and with others. This is good for you and for other people as well, so that you do not cause someone to sin because they have a wrong assumption about your silence. 

If yes, then let your answer be: yes; if no, then let your answer be: no. Anything more than that comes from the evil one. – Matthew 5:37

Whatever our reason for being silent, God wants us to be honest with other people about our feelings and to be able to speak the truth in love. Staying silent will not solve the problem. God’s word says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If we do not want other people to give us the silent treatment, then we should not give others the silent treatment either.

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