What You Value Is What You'll Have [Compassion & Forgiveness] - Part 6

Have you ever made a list of your spouse's good qualities? What did you feel as you made that goodness-filled list? Perhaps those are the very things that will make you fall in love again after so long. But on the other hand...are you aware that the same person - who has all those strengths - is also a sinner? The person who is closest to you - one of the things you cherish most - is also an imperfect being and can hurt you in ways you may never have imagined before.

As the Bible says, "Surely there is not a righteous person on earth who does good and never sins." (Ecclesiastes 7:20). So, you can be sure that your spouse will certainly fail. Therefore, values are needed that can become the glue in a marriage relationship, namely compassion and forgiveness.

Then the next question is, what should you do if your spouse fails or does not become what you hoped for? What about their inability to fulfill the role that is needed? What about childhood emotional wounds that are eventually carried into the marriage?

There are only a few answers to those many questions:

1. You can punish your spouse for their imperfections
2. You decide to love them no matter the situation

The Bible says, "...for love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8). There is nothing in marriage that can be permanently destroyed if forgiveness can be present there. No failure is too great for grace. No wound cannot be healed by love. Yet for all these wonders to happen, compassion and tenderness of heart are needed.

What do compassion and tenderness of heart mean here?

First, this means you are willing to forgive when things go wrong or do not meet the expectations of an ideal standard. You humble yourself so that you can identify with your spouse, who at that moment may not be able to be the person you hoped for.

Second, if your spouse fails, this does not mean that morally you are more superior. Rather, it means you are in a stronger position to help them. God never uses the stronger position to destroy, but to help.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if one has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must do. And over all these things put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

(Colossians 3:12-14)

Wow! How beautifully the Bible describes this - put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. What would your married life look like if every time your spouse failed, these were the things you put on? Surely many marriages could be healed.

But sadly, this is not the natural way humans react. The natural human reaction is to harden the heart when attacked or hurt. Hardening the heart is the true relationship killer (true relationship killer). A spouse's failure/inability is not the cause of divorce, but a hardened heart is the root of it. This is why the Bible highly values tenderness of heart.

Tenderness of heart can include several aspects:

1. Tenderness of heart is able to identify sin and failure.

Make sure you have humility toward your spouse's failures. If you think you are the most right, then you are in serious trouble! You yourself have sin; by remembering this, you will be more generous in forgiving your spouse's failures.

2. Tenderness of heart is able to identify weakness.

The inability to be vulnerable (vulnerable) is the main root of why someone hardens their heart. If you yourself withdraw from pain and from being vulnerable, then automatically you will not be able to identify with the pain your spouse is experiencing. Learn to take responsibility for your pain, so that you will have more empathy toward your spouse.

If you become angry at your spouse's weakness, this means using the stronger position to destroy. Learn to identify with your spouse's weakness. Become a partner in the healing journey, not a judge.

3. Tenderness of heart is able to open the opportunity to be vulnerable once again.

Often, people build walls out of childhood wounds that say, "I will never let anyone hurt me again." This strategy may work in the single season of life. However, in married life it actually creates walls that are hard to penetrate. True closeness will be difficult to form. When you are hurt and your spouse repents of their failure, give yourself the opportunity to be vulnerable once again. This is also what God does toward us.

4. Tenderness of heart opens the opportunity to repent.

Forgiveness and tenderness of heart come from the one who has been hurt. But for this to work in balance, the one who hurts must also be aware of and take responsibility for the failure they have committed and show change that comes from the heart. Without cooperation like this, it is useless if the hurt party opens the opportunity...because in essence, we open ourselves to people who can be trusted. This does not mean that the person must then make perfect changes, but at the very least that person will truly try.

Compassion, tenderness of heart, and forgiveness ensure that imperfect human beings can experience a journey of love and true relationship for a long time. Put on these things in your marriage.

*Church GKDI is currently present in 35 cities. We have Bible Study activities in every area. If you need information or would like to get involved, contact us at contact Church GKDI Official: WhatsApp 0821 2285 8686 or Facebook / Instagram GKDI Official