Keep the Sweetness of Longing Alive in Marriage

Perhaps you have seen a meme about how husbands save their wives' names in their phone contact list, something like this:

Newly married: My Lovely Wife

Married 1 year: My Wife

Married 5 years: Home

Married 10 years: Headquarters

Married 20 years: National Police HQ

Married 25 years: Wrong Number

We might laugh or even feel annoyed reading it, but this meme reflects the reality of marriage. Many couples taste the sweetness of longing only in the early years of marriage. After that, let alone missing each other and wanting to meet, even receiving a phone call from their spouse can feel like harassment.

Why can this happen? Is there a way to preserve the longing we felt when we spoke our marriage vows before God?

Longing Can Evaporate

Do you remember your dating days? Not a day went by without expressions of love, always wanting to meet, sit close together, and tell each other about your day.

But after getting married and living together, those very things are no longer done. It feels hard to sit together. It feels difficult to look at each other while talking. It feels heavy to express what we feel. In fact, even when traveling for work, there is no sense of missing our spouse.

If you think this phase is normal in marriage and therefore nothing to worry about, be careful. The loss of longing for a spouse opens the door wide to infidelity, and of course we do not want such a thing.

It Is Not About Being Far Apart, but About Hearts Being Close

How is it possible to feel longing when you see each other every day? Perhaps this is one reason we give when asked why our longing for our spouse keeps fading.

Longing does not arise because of great distance, but because of closeness of heart. The proof is that we do not miss an acquaintance who moved to another country, for example. Yet a husband in a meeting at the office can suddenly miss his wife. Or a wife who is ironing clothes can suddenly long for her husband. Many unexpected moments can make that longing appear. Once again, this happens because their hearts are close to one another.

That longing becomes even more complete when someone is far from the eyes but close to the heart. Like Paul's longing for the church in Thessalonica:

"But as for us, brothers and sisters, when we were separated from you for a short time, in person but not in heart, out of our great longing we made every effort to see you." - 1 Thessalonians 2:17

Then, may husband and wife keep away from each other to create longing?

Keeping your distance from each other alone will not help. But taking time to be alone and examine yourself in prayer is well worth considering.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. After that, come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. - 1 Corinthians 7:5

In his letter concerning marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:1-16, Paul warns married couples that greater distance can increase temptation (the "lack of self-control" here refers to restraining sexual desire). The absence of longing is a signal that the relationship is not in a good place and needs to be repaired.

Nurture Longing in These 4 Ways

The following simple tips can be practiced to maintain a sense of longing for your spouse:

1. Be Someone Pleasant

Have you ever looked for someone at an event because you felt their absence? This feeling usually arises when that person is pleasant to be around. Life feels less complete without their presence.

In the same way, a pleasant wife will be missed and will hold a special place in her husband's heart. A wife like this soothes her husband's heart when he is heavily burdened and comforts him when he is facing problems. She is kindhearted like the woman described in Proverbs 31:12: She does her husband good and not harm all the days of her life.

Of course, these things are also good for husbands to do. Soothe your wife's heart, comfort her in distress, and be kind to her, not only while dating, but even more so in married life.

2. Call to Greet, Not to Terrorize

What do you usually call your spouse for? To ask how they are doing, or only when there is a problem? The children are fighting, involved in a case at school, a bill has arrived, the roof is leaking, and things like that.

Try calling your spouse to share good news. For example, the child got a good grade, you cooked a special meal, something funny happened at the office, and other light topics. Every now and then send a loving message or a word of encouragement, a video of the children cheerful after their bath, a photo of the meal already served on the table, a recording of your little one's funny chatter, and much more.

These sweet things can warm the atmosphere, so that when they see our call notification, they do not feel terrorized and wonder, "What problem is it now?"

Our spouse longs to hear an interesting story or an expression of love, even in the middle of a busy workday; and believe it, that small attention that seems so simple can brighten the day.

3. Make Time for Quality Time

Getting married and becoming parents does not mean you are forbidden to date. Nor does it mean those tender times must come to an end.

Set aside time intentionally to enjoy together. Go out for lunch together during a break from work. Watch a movie together on the weekend, or take a trip out of town. There is nothing wrong with leaving the children with family once in a while so husband and wife can have quality time, even if only for a short while. This will bring back romance and beautiful memories with your spouse.

The married man is concerned about worldly affairs, how he can please his wife ... and the married woman is concerned about worldly affairs, how she can please her husband. - 1 Corinthians 7:33-34

4. Dare to Talk More Deeply

Talking about each other's feelings with your spouse is more important than merely discussing facts or opinions.

If all this time you have preferred being heard while lecturing, or rarely listened attentively to your spouse's outpouring of heart, learn to be a good listener. That way, your spouse will feel accepted and cared for.

For those of you who find it difficult to express yourselves, learn to be open about your feelings and thoughts. Put aside the fear of being judged, which sometimes exists only in your own mind. Share your ideas or pent-up thoughts in a good and proper way.

Openness and the courage to discuss problems deeply not only help husband and wife understand each other better, but also resolve problems at the root and strengthen the relationship. If you have obstacles or do not know how, discuss it with a mentor or brothers and sisters you trust.

By building closeness of heart with your spouse, that sense of missing each other will surely arise and be preserved. A longing that does not fade with time, which makes husband and wife bonded and in need of one another. May that affectionate name-My Lovely Wife, My Wonderful Husband-not change from year to year; and may it be written not only in your phone contact list, but also in your heart and your spouse's heart. - The GKDI church is currently present in 35 cities. We have Bible Study activities in every area; if you need information or would like to get involved, contact us at Church GKDI Official: WhatsApp 0821 2285 8686 or Facebook / Instagram GKDI Official

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