Build These 4 Traits So People Enjoy Your Friendship

It is human instinct to need and seek friends. Try living for just one day without help or interaction from other people. Within a few days, you would surely feel overwhelmed. Good friends make life more joyful in happy times, lighten our suffering in hard times, and inspire us to become better people.

And yet, these days, finding friends feels difficult. More and more people are alone or isolated in their lives. The American Psychological Association (APA) conducted a survey of 20,000 people in 2018. The result was that 50% of respondents said they often or always felt lonely. Forty percent even said that the relationships they had were meaningless.

According to research in the journal Perspectives on Psychological Science, the harmful effects of loneliness on our physical and mental health are twice as severe as obesity. Loneliness also causes stress, sleep problems, anxiety, and even depression. That is why having friends and maintaining friendships is so important.

On the other hand, you may have doubts: would people want to be friends with you because they like you, and not judge you? In other words, how do you make friends?

Start with Yourself

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” The way to gain a friend (a good one) is by becoming a friend (a good one). Sounds strange, doesn’t it? Yet Jesus said something similar in Luke 6:31, “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.”

Treat others the way you want to be treated. If people can find the qualities of a good friend in you, they will be willing to draw near to you. Start with small things: greet people first, speak kindly and attentively, look for shared interests and likes, and so on. Slowly but surely, other people will enjoy talking with you.

However, your effort should not stop there. There are several qualities you can develop so that people enjoy being friends with you. What are they?

1. Speak Gently

Have you spoken kindly, gently, and sincerely? Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Do you yourself enjoy being around people whose words are sharp? Of course not, right? So, as a first step, use kind words and speak with sincerity.

Besides making people feel comfortable, speaking kindly and sincerely also helps others trust you. Imagine you are talking with two people. The first is loud and overly intense; the focus is only on himself, not on you as the listener. The second is gentle and aware that you are there to listen. Naturally, you would be more pleased with the second person, wouldn’t you?

Perhaps you were raised in a family or culture that placed little emphasis on gentleness. Or circumstances have made you inclined to speak sharply and too bluntly. But if you want more people to draw near to you, try speaking gently.

2. Humility

I used to be a proud person. I only wanted to talk with people who were as smart as I was, equal to me in status, or who connected with me. The result? Because I forced my idealism on others, I did not have many friends.

I also felt convicted when I read Ephesians 4:2, “Always be humble, gentle, and patient. Show your love by helping one another.” I realized that I am not the only one living in this world. Having humility and love is an important requirement in friendship.

Humility in friendship is shown through a willingness to greet others, start conversations, show love first, and befriend people without discriminating by status. With humility, you can accept someone as they are. From there, opportunities to build relationships will arise.

3. Have an Open Heart and Be Willing to Enter Other People’s World

Having a welcoming heart is also important if you want to have friends. The logic is simple. If you want other people to come into your house, you need to make sure your front door can be opened. It is the same with your heart: no one can enter if you do not allow them to.

But we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for and nurturing her children. So, with great affection for you, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our own lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. – 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8

Paul did not only share the gospel, but also shared his life with the Thessalonian church. Their relationship was deep and full of love because there was openness. An open attitude is the door to connection. That is why, if you want to have many friends and deep relationships, you need the courage to be open about who you are, your character, the things you like, and so on.

In 1 Corinthians 9:22b Paul also says, “I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might win some.” In English: Be all things to all people (NIV). Paul adapted himself; he was willing to enter other people’s world and take an interest in their world. His purpose was so that he could spread the gospel to anyone.

You can use the same principle in friendship. With someone who likes soccer, enter their world by talking about soccer. The same approach also applies to people who like music, technology, food, and so on. Use an approach through topics that interest them to build friendships.

Look for common grounds (shared ground, points of connection) so that you can grow close to other people. Show interest in their world. Also, be open, so that your friendships become deeper and stronger.

4. Learn to Give

Friendship is like planting a tree; you have to make an effort so that the tree can grow and bear fruit. That means there is effort you need to invest in friendship so that you can enjoy its results. Would anyone want to be friends with you if you constantly expect to receive something from them?

A healthy friendship has an element of give and take, where both parties involved give and receive in balance. It does not work if one side only receives; there must be a part where both give to each other.

Proverbs 18:16 says, “A gift opens doors for a person and brings him before great people.” Also Proverbs 11:25 says, “Whoever refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” These two proverbs underline the importance of giving: If you want to be given to, then you should be the one to give first.

Start by noticing the needs of the people around you. Does someone need a friend to confide in? Listen to that person without needing to give advice. Is someone in need of something? You can give whatever you are able. Practice this every day and experience the wonder in your life.

The Beauty of Having Close Friends

Having close friends is a beautiful thing. We can share stories, life’s burdens, and support one another in both hardship and joy. However, to have friends, we also need to train ourselves to become better people, so that others will enjoy being near us. Speaking gently, being humble, being willing to open up and enter other people’s world, and having a giving heart are some of them.

Of course, at first it is not easy to have the qualities above, but believe that your effort will bear fruit. For, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor (Ecclesiastes 4:9).” Start building friendships today and enjoy the beauty of friendship!

Related Articles:

• Becoming a Friend to Teenagers
• How Do You Balance Expectations with Acceptance?
• Make a Big Difference in the World Through These Small Things
• Courage, a Vital Character Trait for Growth and Life Change
• Is the Grass Always Greener on the Other Side?