PDKT: Make Sure They Are God's Will

“Single is a choice. Jomblo is fate.”

That was the line I read on the T-shirt of a fellow ministry friend. The print was neat, with a font that was clear and a color composition that was just right, making the words seem to hypnotize every eye that saw them, including mine. Without thinking twice, I walked over to my friend to comment on the shirt, then asked, “Which one are you?” in a joking tone.

“Single, of course!” he replied with a smile, flexing his arm to show the muscles he had faithfully trained.

Laughing, I answered, “Nice!”

That brief moment made me wonder, what exactly is the difference between single and jomblo? Both have no partner / boyfriend or girlfriend, both are still on their own and hoping for a boyfriend / girlfriend or partner, so what is the difference?

Single vs. Jomblo

After asking around here and there, I concluded that single and jomblo are different. The heart of it lies in a difference in mindset and attitude of heart. Single is optimistic, while jomblo tends to be pessimistic. Single does not feel lonely, knows their choice, and still trust God even though they do not yet have a boyfriend / girlfriend or partner. On the other hand, jomblo is haunted by fear, afraid of being lonely if they do not get a boyfriend or girlfriend. They feel their source of happiness can only come through a romantic partner.

Talking about single cannot be separated from the process of looking for a life partner. If it were a movie, this would be the most interesting scene. The genre can shift too. Sometimes drama, sometimes action, sometimes comedy, it can even become horror, hahaha. It all depends on what the main character does.

So, what does the Bible say about looking for a partner? How do we choose the right one? What are the criteria? When is the right time?

I want to share what I personally believe. I need to stress that this article is intended for single people who are serious about looking for a life partner. Not just looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend to satisfy desire, for status, or so the people around you will acknowledge you, much less for show. If that is your goal, I suggest you stop reading, because this article will not match your expectations. If you are still reading this, I assume you really are serious about looking for a life partner.

Christian-Style PDKT

Never mind the term "PDKT". If we look for the word “dating” in the Bible, I am sure it is not there. Believe me! I already tried looking for it, hehehe.  

So then, does that mean Christians are not allowed to date?

Relax, we are not going back to the days of Siti Nurbaya.

According to Wikipedia, “Dating is a process of getting to know one another between two people, usually as part of the stages of finding compatibility leading to family life known as marriage.” That means, the ultimate goal of dating is marriage. Of course, not a messy marriage, one that fights every day or is cold and without affection. I am sure we all want a marriage that is peaceful, intimate, harmonious, and a blessing to others.

Going deeper, 1 Peter 3:7 says:

“Likewise, husbands, live wisely with your wives, as with the weaker vessel. Honor them as fellow heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

According to the verse above, marriage is a means of inheriting grace, in other words salvation, in other words Heaven. So there is no way we should just casually choose a life partner, right?

Then, what steps should we take so that one day we can have a biblical marriage? What filters should we apply during PDKT?

The world's principles vs. God's principles

The first thing we need to do is separate the world's principles from God's principles.

“For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are entangled in them again and overcome, their final condition is worse than the first.”

“It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness than to have known it and then turn back from the holy command delivered to them.”

(2 Ptr 2:20-21)

God's principle is holiness, while the world's principle is lust, the fulfillment of ego, and other kinds of defilement. They are completely opposed. As Christians (I call us Followers of Christ), we must prioritize God's principles and leave the world's principles behind. Make God's principles the base / foundation of life, so that our steps, our way of thinking, and the way we view relationships are aligned with Him. In short, we are on the same frequency as God.

Why is this important? Because it is impossible to combine the world's frequency with God's frequency. It is utterly impossible to serve two masters.

Make Sure They Are God's Will (PDKT)

In the middle of every week, I usually have coffee with a group of friends. We share our latest news and discuss all kinds of topics, from hobbies, politics, and movies to the most exciting topic of all time: crushes. We call them “favorites.” My conversation with one friend went something like this:

Me: “By the way, who is your favorite right now?”

Friend: “No one.” With a little smile on his face.

This friend of mine is the type who has to be pried open before he will talk. He has to be treated like a captured state spy. Interrogated with threats, but spiritual ones.

“If you do not confess, we will pray that there really will be no one. We will pray that you become single forever,” I threatened, together with the other friends.

“Okay, there is someone. ... (he mentioned a name),” he admitted, whether because he was afraid of the threat or because he actually wanted to talk but was too proud.

I asked again, “Do you actually know her?  Have you talked often?”

He answered, “Not yet.”

Getting more curious, this time I threw out a deeper question. “So what is it that makes you like her?”

He answered, “Hm, what is it … I just like her, I guess. She seems calm and pretty.”

For me, my friend's criteria are perfectly valid. We all have our own criteria for an ideal partner, in terms of appearance, family background, education, work, and so on. But is that enough as a solid foundation for moving toward a more serious relationship? Do you really know your crush during PDKT? Or could it be that you are ‘buying a pig in a poke’?

The stage of finding compatibility is the most important stage before building a serious relationship or deciding to date, commonly called PDKT (approach). Some people say a relationship will last longer if the PDKT is long. That means that in the PDKT phase we really need to know who our crush is. In the old days, the term was knowing the crush’s “Bobot, Bibit, Bebet.”

In the modern era, I use a current expression, namely PDKT. Not as an abbreviation for pendekatan, but “Make Sure They Are God's Will”. Cool, right? I have already proven it and seen couples blessed by God in extraordinary ways through this approach.

Why does it have to be God's will?

The reason is simple. Because only God's plans lead to peace and a future full of hope (Yer 29:11).

An example of a human plan might be, “Look for a rich partner.” That does not mean our partner may not be rich. But quite often I see / hear of wealthy people whose marriages are a mess, even ending in divorce.

So, how do we know whether the crush is in line with God's will or not?

The answer is: look for a spiritual partner.

Then what are the marks of a spiritual person? Someone who faithfully goes to church? Someone involved in lots of ministry? Someone who seems nice? Or perhaps someone friendly and good at making friends?

Criteria for a spiritual partner

“For God has given us not a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and discipline.” (2 Timotius 1:7)

According to the verse above, a person whose life is led by the Spirit of God (spiritual) will produce three things, namely strength, love and discipline. Let us discuss them one by one.

Strength

Strength here is not about muscles, but about confidence in the Word of God. Able to stand the test of every kind of temptation and pressure in life.

Take the example of Jesus when He was tempted by the devil while fasting. Jesus had the strength and authority to answer the devil's challenge. He could have shown off His power, but He did not. And this is true strength: rejecting what is not in accordance with the Father's will.

Another example is David, who had the opportunity to kill Saul, but did not do it (1 Sam 24).

In daily life, our convictions are always faced with tests. It starts when we wake up in the morning: how strong are we in persevering in our quiet time, or do we instead give in to the urge to check our social media accounts? Do we dare to be honest in the middle of a dishonest environment? Do we remain faithful, unashamed and unafraid to testify about God, even if it risks making other people think we are strange?

Strength speaks of how willing we are to obey and be guided / shaped by the Word of God.

Love

Love is the hallmark of a Follower of Christ. The definition of love is written in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  

Love does not seek its own benefit. Sincere love does not look at outward appearance. It is easy to love people who are good to us or benefit us, but we will certainly think twice before loving people who hurt us. Never mind evil people, we may even find it hard to love those of a different ethnicity and skin color.

Love is active, sensitive to the needs of others, and expressed in action. It is easy enough to say, “That is so sad,” or, “They need help.” But are we willing to make time to accompany that person and listen to their complaints? To give help or advice, and pray for them?

“By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35)

Discipline

No human being is perfect. True, I agree. But that does not mean that imperfection becomes an excuse for doing nothing.

Let us look at L.M. Zohri, Indonesia's U-20 world champion in the 100-meter sprint. Zohri's name went extremely viral after he became the first Indonesian runner to win an international race. And yet, when he was a baby, Zohri was surely the same as you and me: equally unable to run. What set him apart until he became a world-class runner was the discipline / orderliness with which he trained himself.

1 Timothy 4:8 says: “Physical training is of limited value, but godliness is valuable in every way, holding promise for this present life and also for the life to come.”

I invite you to remember your spiritual resolutions from the beginning of the year. We were surely enthusiastic when we made them. Today, are we still consistently pursuing that growth with the same enthusiasm?

Growing spiritually is like climbing a mountain. The journey is not always an uphill path (read: enthusiasm), but also has downhill stretches (read: spiritual weakness). By stepping forward consistently, at one point we will find that we are at a higher level than before, which, if continued, will make it possible for us to reach the summit (perfection).

Discipline is not about a smooth journey, but about our ability to rise again even after falling many times.

Make sure you are also the ideal partner for your crush

So, it is quite easy, right, to know whether our crush is a spiritual person or not? Just look at how they live. If they meet the three PDKT criteria above, my advice to you is, “Go ahead!” If not, then you have to, “Work, work, work!” In other words, help your crush become a spiritual person first.

However, before you ‘go ahead’ or ‘work,’ there is one important thing you need to do. Make sure you have already become the right person for your crush. In the first marriage in the Bible (Kej 2:18), God created Eve as a suitable helper for Adam. (According to KBBI, sepadan means having equal value; comparable; balanced; fitting). Fair enough, right? You and your crush should feel the same way when receiving a partner who is in accordance with God's will.

Well then, I hope the PDKT tips above can help you find a partner who is in accordance with God's will. I hope you will be able to add other criteria along the way as you study the Word. I pray that God will soon answer your prayer and bring you together with the right person. Amen!

This article was edited from the favorite winner in the singles category (RBG Dodik Yudistira Pola) in “GKDI Writers Day 2018“.

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