Parent Seminar: Raising Competent, Confident Children

Hello, parents,

How do we raise a child who can see themselves in a healthy way, so they can grow into a competent individual with “self worth”? Has this ever been one of the questions that crossed your heart as a parent? The next question is whether you yourself, as an individual, have a healthy view of yourself and possess the right “self worth”? Because if your answer to this second question is “not yet,” or if you yourself are confused...how can you raise a child who has a healthy self-image and the right “self worth”?

This need became the topic of discussion in a parenting class held by Married Ministry - Jakarta Barat. The entire event committee poured out their hearts and efforts so that the event could run very well and give a positive impact to around 100 guests who attended. Rev. Budi Hartono & his wife - Listiana Hartono, who are also GEP (Good Enough Parenting) Trainers, presented this topic and shared their family life journey with the guests. In a warm and moving way, the wisdom & experience of this husband-and-wife couple ultimately opened the perspectives of many of the guests in attendance about how they should educate their children and live out their parenting journey. The topic opened with a question that, whether they liked it or not, made most people stop and think before answering it. How can we know a child’s emotional needs? Physical needs are of course easy to detect, but detecting emotional needs is a different and invisible dimension. In Good Enough Parenting, there are  5 Core Emotional Needs that must be met for a child to grow emotionally healthy, namely:

1. Connection & Acceptance
2. Healthy Autonomy
3. Reasonable Limits
4. Realistic Expectation
5. Spiritual Values & Community

Core Emotional Needs in children can be compared to sunlight, nutrients, water, and other elements that help plants grow. If even one element is lacking, the plant will not be able to grow as it should. The same is true for children: lacking even one Core Emotional Needs can cause them not to grow in a healthy way (whether emotionally, in their interactions with others, in their way of thinking, spiritually, in how they express what they feel, and in other areas).

SELF ESTEEM

Self-esteem is our opinion of ourselves. What do you think our children think about themselves? For example, how do our children assess their own intelligence or smartness? What comparisons are they getting from their surroundings and also from us as their parents?

Social Mirror vs True Mirror

Social mirror is when we look at ourselves using the values that prevail around us. Its characteristics are:

• What other people say about us
• Based on comparisons with other people’s circumstances
• External in nature
• Often the stereotypes that are formed come from the media
• Focused on where our position/status is today

However, this is not the true mirror and it often leads us astray.

True mirror is when we are able to look within ourselves, then recognize our strengths and weaknesses. Its characteristics are:

• This is who we truly are
• Based on our true personality
• Internal in nature
• Comes from conscience and self-awareness (self awareness)
• Focused on potential (what we can become in the future)

SELF WORTH

Unlike self esteem which can rise and fall depending on the situation we face, self-worth is constant. Take a one-hundred-thousand-rupiah bill, for example: even if it is folded, stepped on, and so on, its value remains one hundred thousand rupiah. This is the more important thing we should teach our children.

As Psalm 139:14 says:

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

Do our children realize that God created them so wonderfully? Do we ourselves as parents also realize this? Because when someone truly has the conviction the psalm speaks of, then whatever happens, the way they see themselves will not be shaken, because they know who they are in God’s eyes (as a real human being).

But the reality is that so many parents evaluate their children based on what they achieve and on how other people assess them. This is the pattern that will ultimately shape children with self worth that is low. What are the characteristics of children with self worth that is low?

• Unable to withstand pressure from their social environment
• Afraid to try new things
• Collapse when facing difficult times
• Feel unloved and unwanted

Meanwhile, children who have self worth that is healthy will look like this:

• Able to withstand pressure from their social environment
• Willing to try new things and meet new people
• Able to cope with disappointment, failure, mistakes, and difficult seasons
• Feel loved and wanted

So then, how can we instill self worth that is right in our children?

1. Regular Encouragement

What comes out of our mouths as parents is very important, because children will believe what their parents say. Most of the time, as parents, we automatically express what we feel and our expectations without the right filter. However, this can cause permanent damage to a child’s psychology.

Ephesians 4:29 teaches us:

Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is good for building up, as needed, so that it may give grace to those who hear.

Why is God so detailed even about our words, asking us to speak good words that can build others up? The answer is found in Proverbs 18:21: 

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. The tongue is one part of the body that, if we do not control it, can kill a person’s character, including that of our own children.

What kind of words can build children’s character?

• I believe in you
• You can do it
• I love you with all my heart
• I trust you
• Well done
• Good try
• Thank you for helping
• Thank you for doing the chores

There were many more examples of encouraging words shared by Rev. Budi during the class.

2. Realistic Expectation

Many parents have the wrong benchmark, and as a result they also develop the wrong expectations of their children (too high or too low). So, what often causes us to have unrealistic expectations of our children?

Some of the causes are as follows:

• We do not know our child’s strengths
• We do not appreciate our child’s strengths
• Our personal dreams are forced onto the child
• We are afraid of other people’s view of us or our child

Dr. Howard Gardner - a professor at Harvard University introduced the theory of Multiple Intelligence in which he found that people have several different ways of processing information, and IQ tests are a very limited traditional way of describing the complexity of human intelligence.

In his theory, Multiple Intelligence people are divided into 8 categories, namely:

• Linguistic Intelligence (“word smart”)
• Logical-mathematical Intelligence (“number/reasoning smart”)
• Spatial Intelligence (“picture smart”)
• Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence (“body smart”)
• Musical Intelligence (“music smart”)
• Interpersonal Intelligence (“people smart”)
• Intrapersonal Intelligence (“self smart”)
• Naturalist Intelligence (“nature smart”)

Our task as parents is:

1. Expose & encourage : see where our child’s strengths lie and encourage that area to grow.
2. Accept & praise : accept them as they are, rather than forcing our dreams or desires on them.

At the end of the event, Rev. Budi also shared several practical ways to encourage children’s achievement so that it becomes better, and he closed the lesson with a poem by Diana Loomans:

If I had my child to raise over again,

I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.

I had do less correcting, and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less, and know to care more.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I had stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I'd run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging, and less tugging.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd teach less about the love of power,

And more about the power of love.

What do you think & feel after reading the account of the parenting class above? Were there new things that could broaden your perspective as a parent? If you found this helpful, look forward to the next parenting class & join us! See you!

* If you need ministry counseling spiritual (personal/marriage) or Bible study community Bible, we can help. Click the link in the previous sentence or contact us at Official GKDI WhatsApp

Related article: Parental Affection: Prioritizing the Heart, Not Appearance