Good Communication, the Key to Overcoming Marital Conflict

Communication plays an important role in building up or tearing down a marriage. The way we speak when expressing feelings, thoughts, and hopes, as well as the way we listen or respond to our spouse, has a great impact on the relationship. The better our communication skills, the easier it is for us to achieve the goals we hope for in married life.

There is an anecdote that says, in the first year of marriage, when the wife speaks, the husband listens. In the second year, the husband speaks, the wife listens. In the third year, husband and wife speak, the neighbors listen. In other words, the couple's quarrel can be heard outside the house. If it is not trained, communication between husband and wife will become increasingly shallow, brief, and even bad. Whatever is discussed can provoke anger and spark a quarrel.

If your marriage is hit by conflict like this, begin to fix it through your communication with your spouse. Here are four steps you can take:

Humility, the Door-Opener to Communication

And let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:4

When deciding to get married, you need to make sure whether your prospective spouse is ready to share. Not only to share time and responsibilities, but also thoughts and feelings. Often, this is more important than sharing material things. Humility, which is reflected in an attitude of valuing your spouse's thoughts and feelings, is something crucial and must not be ignored.

Being humble means you not only want to be heard, but also become a good listener and respond in the right way. You do not belittle it, but take it seriously when your spouse expresses his or her hopes. It may seem trivial to you, but to your spouse, it is a big matter and deeply affects him or her. Yet you will not understand why, until you humble yourself and do not rush to judge your spouse.

No matter that you are right and your spouse is wrong, you must remain humble so that you can open the door of communication. Because in marriage, there is no longer "I" or "you," but "we." Even if "I" am right, "I" cannot win without "you." Marriage is a partnership for one purpose, not a competition for separate purposes.

The Key to Communication That Builds Up

Be Careful with Your Words

When you are in conflict with your spouse, discuss only that part, and do not exaggerate. For example, by saying "always" or "never," when in fact that is not true. Even when you are upset, control yourself so as not to speak harshly, let alone obscenely. Instead, speak words that build up, so that your spouse is motivated and believes that he or she can change for the better. Besides that, it is important not to accuse. Listen first to what your spouse thinks, so that you can also understand his or her perspective.

"I believe you can surely become more patient, dear." This sentence is certainly more powerful than saying, "You've always been like that, dear, talkative."

Let no corrupt word come out of your mouth, but only what is good for building up, as fits the need, so that it may give grace to those who hear. – Ephesians 4:29

Listen Wholeheartedly

There are times when our spouse only wants to be heard, nothing more. Sadly, our neglect or lack of seriousness in listening usually creates new problems. Anger, disappointment, even bitterness because of feeling disregarded only ends up making the problem worse. Misunderstanding or drawing wrong conclusions is the effect of listening halfheartedly.

If not used wisely, a cellphone can become a killer of communication  You may be busy greeting friends in the virtual world, but neglect your spouse in the real world. Therefore, it is important for you to take time set apart with your spouse every day. During this moment, put away your cellphone so that you are not tempted to glance at incoming notifications.

Do not be too quick either to give input or advice. It is better to first clarify or summarize what you heard from your spouse. Ask what he or she expects from you. Is your spouse asking for advice, or simply wanting to share troubling feelings? By becoming a good listener, you will be able to give the right response. Your words will become something valuable and certainly useful for your spouse.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. – Proverbs 25:11

Regard others as you regard yourself. You are glad when you are listened to, aren't you? Do the same to your spouse and to others as well.

"Whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them. For this is the whole of the Law and the Prophets." – Matthew 7:12

Ask for Help

When you have tried to begin communication but still reach a dead end, perhaps this is the time to take a pause. Let each of you be silent first. Calming the mind and neutralizing the feelings. Forcing yourself to talk while still emotional will not solve the problem, but will instead make the situation worse. It is better to "set aside" the problem for some time and agree on when to discuss it again.

However, if this way also does not bring results, you need to ask for help from another spiritual couple. Having an intermediary or bridge in communication does not mean you have failed. So there is no need to feel ashamed or too proud. Be open, and allow yourselves to be counseled. Counseling is not a bad thing, or a sign that you and your spouse have fallen into sin, but rather a sign that you have good intentions.

Communication needs to be practiced. In a counseling session, you will be facilitated to speak, listen, clarify, make agreements, and seek solutions together with your spouse. It may be that the problem is not as bad as you think. Often, after each side gives themselves to speaking and listening, without realizing it the problem has already been resolved.

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There are no school lessons that teach how to communicate in marriage. Everyone starts from their family of origin and brings their own way. Insisting on this kind of communication pattern will make small problems become big. Yet by living out marriage in Christ, there is always a solution for every problem.

To build good communication in marriage, learn to become a person who is humble and thinks about your spouse's interests. Speak with words that build up, and be a good listener. When you have tried and have not succeeded, do not hesitate to ask for help. By applying the steps above, may your relationship with your spouse become more open and go well. God bless you.

Related Articles:

• Words Seasoned with Salt: The Power Within Words
• Do These 7 Signs of a Happy Family Already Exist in Your Family?
• A Harmonious Family Does Not Fall from the Sky
• Building a Spiritually Healthy Family
• Strengthening Your Spouse When Facing Failure

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