5 Ways to Reconnect With Your Spouse

Are you looking for a way to reconnect (reconnect) with your spouse? Perhaps you feel that you no longer know your husband or wife as well as you used to. You can no longer communicate heart to heart, or you have lost the special connection the two of you had in the early days of marriage.

Why does this happen, and what steps can be taken to mend a strained relationship with your spouse?

Causes of a Strained Relationship

The best way to reconnect with your spouse is to find out what is wrong, then fix it. It is like a leaking roof in a house: you need to find the cause of the leak. If there is a crack in the roof, repair it immediately. What happens if it is not fixed? Rainwater that gets in could cause an electrical short circuit, and could even start a fire. 

The same is true of a distant husband-and-wife relationship: if it is not repaired, it will only get worse. A strained relationship must be repaired and reconnected before it truly breaks apart. 

A strained marriage relationship can be caused by several things, such as less time together, unresolved conflict, poor communication, and so on. If conflict is what caused your relationship with your spouse to grow distant, then there is no other way except to resolve it well. You can apply the ways in the following article.

However, if the cause is not conflict, the following tips may help mend your relationship with your spouse:

How to Mend a Strained Relationship

1. Tear Down Negative Actions

It cannot be denied that conflict often happens because your spouse is upset with your actions or your negative habits. What kinds of actions are considered negative? Actions that drive the two of you further apart. For example, spending too much time on personal hobbies, often getting angry, constantly accusing your spouse (as if your spouse is always wrong), and the like.

The first way to reconnect with your spouse is to tear down the negative actions you have been building all this time. Actions that, besides being displeasing to or hurting your spouse, if they involve sin, are certainly also displeasing in God's eyes. Having a right understanding of God can help you set the right priorities in life. For example, prioritizing your wife above your hobbies.

In the past, I often played online games without any time limits. Even though I knew my wife did not like this excessive habit, I kept doing it. When I realized this would strain our relationship, I decided to stop wasting time playing games.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what God's will is: what is good and pleasing to God and perfect. – Romans 12: 2

2. Build Positive Actions

Leaving behind actions that damage the relationship is the first step, and that is not enough to reconnect you with your spouse. After stopping your negative habits, you must continue by building positive habits.

After coming to know God and repenting, I stopped my daily gambling habit completely. Of course this made my wife happy. However, I was surprised when she complained that I still did not understand her needs. It turned out that even though I had left my bad habit behind, I still had not given my wife quality time.

Change bad habits by replacing them with good habits. For example, a personal hobby can be replaced with a shared hobby. Talking too much can be replaced with listening more, and an indifferent attitude can be replaced with a helpful attitude.

... that you, with regard to your former way of life, must put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, created according to God's will in true righteousness and holiness. – Ephesians 4:22-24

3. Use Words That Build Up

Do you remember how, while dating, you wanted to make your partner smile with your words? Give your spouse words that build up, as you naturally did when wooing or pleasing them on a date. Whether it is praise or not, make sure you say it sincerely.

Words of praise can relate to physical appearance or character. Saying thank you to your spouse is also part of building words. This shows that you value what your spouse has done for you and the family.

Today, I do not only speak building words when my wife is celebrating her birthday, or on our wedding anniversary. I practice praising my wife and thanking her every day. This is very effective in narrowing the emotional gap between husband and wife.

Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is good for building up as needed, so that it may give grace to those who hear. – Ephesians 4:29

4. Get to Know Your Spouse More Deeply

A mistake married couples often make is assuming they already know a lot about their spouse. So they only make assumptions, even though what they think may actually be different from what their spouse thinks.

Ask your spouse what makes him or her feel loved. In his book titled The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman mentions five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and touch. Also find out your spouse's opinions, dreams, feelings, weaknesses, and needs. Express the same things about yourself. 

The more you and your spouse know about one another, the greater your opportunity to reconnect emotionally.

I used to think my wife's love language was gifts, but it turns out that what most makes her feel loved is touch. Now, every night before bed, I stroke her hair or gently rub her back.

The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out. – Proverbs 20: 5

5. The Ultimate Way: Show Love Through Forgiveness

Showing love is the most powerful and most important part after you have applied all the things above. To do this, you must extend forgiveness to your spouse It is not easy for those who have been deeply hurt by their spouse. However, this is an important step to reconcile your relationship. 

One of my steps in forgiving is remembering what my spouse did that hurt me and reflecting on why she did it. Then I reverse my perspective. What if I had done that to my wife and caused her pain? What response would I hope for from her? Forgiveness, right? Yes, that is what my wife hopes for from me.

Another way to release forgiveness is by remembering how many sins we have committed against God. I compare that number with how many wrongs my wife has done to me. The result is clear: my wrongs against God are far greater. If God can forgive me, why would I refuse to forgive my wife? Forgiveness is a must for God's children, so we must forgive our spouse because God has forgiven us.

“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” – Matthew 6:14-15

Whether repairing your relationship with your spouse is hard or easy depends on your commitment. Do not quickly lose heart. Give yourself the opportunity to apply the ways above. Tear down negative actions, build positive actions, use words that build up, get to know your spouse more deeply, and extend grace through forgiveness. May God restore your marriage relationship.

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