4 Tips for Raising Emotionally Healthy Children

Seeing children grow with healthy emotional intelligence is the dream of parents. Yet not every parent understands or can immediately translate this desire into real life. Some people were raised in a family environment that was emotionally unhealthy. And after starting their own families, they do not know or do not even care about how important good emotional functioning is for a child.

In fact, research proves that children who develop emotional skills from an early age can be more successful in the future. On the other hand, a lack of attention to a child’s emotional functioning can become the root of problems when they grow up, such as drug addiction and a tendency toward violence.

So, what steps should parents take so their children are emotionally healthy?

Apply the 4 Bs

During the pandemic, our seven-year-old son studied online from home. During break time, he tinkered with a phone and meant to send emoji messages to his father. Unfortunately, he sent them to his study group by mistake. Anxiously, he hurried to delete all the messages, but a few seconds later, his homeroom teacher called, making him even more afraid.

As he came to me with a pale face, he handed me his tablet and said, “Mom, please type out my apology. Tell them I sent the messages by mistake.”

My first impulse was to scold him thoroughly. 

However, because my husband and I are trying to raise our child so that he has emotionally healthyqualities, we responded to this problem through the 4B principle: 

1. Act, Don’t React

I was shocked to see how many messages our son had deleted from his study group. I was upset because he had not obeyed my warning to stop sending emoji messages with no clear purpose. 

But when I saw his pale face and how guilty he felt, my annoyance instantly disappeared. My son was already ashamed and afraid; should I add angry shouting to that? Would that not only crush his feelings?

I immediately helped type his apology (because his hands were trembling and he was unable to type), then pulled him into my arms. Yes, a hug was what he needed, not a lecture. He burst into tears right away, showing that he had been holding back his emotional turmoil all along.

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4

I believe this word also applies to mothers, who are generally close to their children. If I had cornered my child earlier, not only would he have become down, he might also have become angry, stopped feeling remorse, and even harbored resentment toward me.

As a mother, I hope my child will grow into a person who is emotionally healthy. Not fearful, far from trauma, brave enough to try new things, and brave enough to accept the risk when making mistakes. After all, all of that is shaped by the response my husband and I give as parents.

Therefore, I chose to act, not react. That means I took the right attitude instead of letting my emotions be provoked. I spoke words that soothed his heart, then assured him that everything would be all right. Thankfully, a few minutes later my child was calm again and could continue studying.

2. Work Together with Your Spouse

Fathers and mothers should have the same standards in raising their children. Parents must work together, according to their respective roles, to raise children to be emotionally healthy. It is not good if one cares while the other ignores it. Children should know that their parents have the same rules, so that neither becomes a monster or an angel in their eyes. 

In this case, I explained to my child that making mistakes is part of being human. What matters is that he apologizes and tries not to repeat what he did. After that, my husband did his part by taking time to process our child’s feelings . They went outside for a while and had a relaxed conversation. 

Fathers and mothers should always stay updated on the condition or problems their child is facing. That way, they will know which emotional areas have already been successfully nurtured in the child, and which still need to be developed. Good cooperation will make the process of shaping healthy emotions in a child easier.

3. Empathize with Your Child

One mistake parents often make without realizing it is being dismissive. When a child seems fine after something happens, parents feel safe. In fact, the child may be burying sadness or keeping fear in the heart. This will not come to light if parents do not find out. 

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out. – Proverbs 20:5

To understand the feelings of children, put on a child’s glasses. How would you want to be treated if you were in their place? When a child opens up about their feelings, never say, “Oh, scared over just that? Crying over just that, you crybaby,” and other words that do not build up. The child will think that their feelings and inner thoughts do not matter to their parents, so they choose to shut down and live with their own fear/shame/anxiety.

Furthermore, parents must also be observant and creative in “drawing out” the well of their child’s heart. Prompt your child to talk by first creating a pleasant atmosphere, far from anything that feels like intimidation. Share memories from your childhood that are relevant to the problem your child is experiencing. Say that you too have made mistakes and have felt afraid. 

With empathy, a child will not feel alone or cornered. Instead, they will be comforted, knowing that their parents have also gone through unpleasant experiences. A child will feel at peace because they are accepted and valued just as they are. 

4. Let Children Draw Their Own Conclusions

Instead of laying out the learning points you want to emphasize, it is better to ask your child to draw conclusions from what happened. From your child’s conclusions, you can gauge how well they understand the situation. 

By drawing their own conclusions, children will usually remember the valuable lesson from their experience better, and you will avoid the image of being a nagging parent. You only need to add something if, in your view, there are points they have not paid enough attention to.

Express your pride because your child dared to face their fear. Praise them for daring to admit their mistake. Give support that they can apply the lesson they have drawn. Assure your child that you still love them, even when they do wrong.

Later, when your child makes another mistake, they will come to you and tell you about it and look for a solution—instead of lying, shutting themselves away, or even falling into despair.

Although ideally it goes hand in hand with intellectual intelligence, emotional intelligence plays a major role in determining the quality of life and your child’s happiness, now and in the future. Do not grow weary of raising children as early as possible. The earlier parents intervene in a child’s emotional health, the greater the positive impact they can enjoy in various areas of life later on.

Discipline your child while there is hope, but do not set your heart on putting him to death. – Proverbs 19:18

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References:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4605168/

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